Big 5!

July 1st was Brock's 5th birthday. He really wanted to have a Beyblade battle, so I made a cheesy arena out of our living room to battle in. Dan decided to start a tradition that I LOVE, he takes thee birthday boy out to a movie the day of so I can get ready for the party and than they get time to just be with dad. The boys just ate it up this year and absolutely loved it. I look back and just cannot believe how much time has passed. My Brock is my boy, his personality is a lot like mine and as funny as that is I feel like I have a hard time understanding him. It is hard to look at yourself and say how would I have wanted my mother to handle this situation? He has his dads intelligence and talents though. This boy is so quick, he can look at things and just know what it needs to be fixed. Shane comes to him to have him fix things, it is so crazy. He is a very sweet soul and very very independent. He HAS to do things on his own. It is hard for me to not treat him older than what he is because of this. I am slowly accepting him for this and learning how to back off and when to step in. We have weaned him off of his thumb sucking and traded it for chewing in his clothing. He quit for quite a while but has recently taken it up again which tells me there is something in his little life that is bothering him. I am putting extra efforts into him and paying more attention. He is easy to overlook because he is so independent and quiet. But the boy can talk, a lot!!! Everyone instantly falls in love with him, he is the one that stands out the most because of his creativity and he just doesn't care or notice what other people are thinking. He is very much in his own little bubble and it is adorable.

He is really just too cute!

Brock wanted to go out swimming in our little pool outside. I said that was fine go get ready and I will fill up the pool. When I went outside again this is what I saw and I thought it was so funny I had to take pictures!!! Love this kid :)

House

Here is a picture of the outside of our rental house :)

Catching up

I have realized that I have posted just about nothing for all of 2011. Get ready for a bunch of new posts today!! I will start with Easter. Dan was out of town over Easter so the Easter Bunny made an early visit to our house. We did not get any pictures of this day because for the life of me I couldn't find the camera. Oh well, life goes on right? The actual day of we went over to my dad's house and the Easter Bunny made a round at his house too!!! The boys were very excited! Hillary got a two chickens, Snoop Dog and Mia, Shane did not want to hold them but there are a few pics of Brock holding them!

Transitions and changes

I have been in a reflective mood lately. I am really having to start dealing with all the emotions of the last3 and a half years. I am writing this post mainly for me, no one else but for me. I had a client the other day that pointed something out to me that really struck me. I told her how close I was to my in-laws, especially my MIL and she looked me in the eye and said, "you know that that is a gift don't you?"I wasn't about to get all teary eyed about it in front of her but I have thought about it constantly. They both gave me a gift that not only helped replace a hole inside me but also gave me a confidence that I don't even know how to explain but most of all gave me a path, a path of how a family is supposed to be, how you raise children in a way that isn't mean or degrading. My in-laws weren't perfect but to me they were everything. I miss them both so much, especially Liz. I needed a mother, I needed a mother who would just love me unconditionally and that woman had an amazing talent for just loving anybody that way, but her lover for me made me whole again. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Dan was the man I was supposed to marry and I know that not only did I get an amazing husband out of it but I also got his family. I definitely made out better in that deal hehehe. Ever since she passed away things have been turned upside down, inside out and everything is backwards. We have had one disappointment after another, our faith and marriage shaken. After everything I feel older, exhausted and broken. I am trying to figure out where to even start putting the pieces back together and I don't even know where to start. I had a friend on facebook whose husband had lost his job and found one after a few months and where I did not want her to suffer and I was happy her husband got that job, I was angry, very very angry. Dan went to so many interviews and had so many opportunities presented to him and nothing became of it. I had people say things to me like, "well maybe you haven't learned your lesson yet" like we had done something so horrible to deserve what we went through. That we just weren't good enough or sinned too much. So these people are the ones who get the blessing and we are left to flounder. One of the hardest things for me to swallow was how strongly I felt that we were making the right choices, we prayed, we fasted, we did all those things that we were told to do. I know that the Lord knows my struggles, We have talked about this subject twice in Sunday school lately and I have been given a book that is really helping me understand. The bottom line is that I am angry over it all. I am trying to deal with those feeling and just get them out because I do see the blessing and the tender mercies that the Lord gave to us, but I am still angry. Than we finally got a job, but here's the catch, it is in Arizona. I don't know how to explain this history to all who don't know but to keep it super fast, my mother lives in Arizona. I was thrown into a depression that I have never felt before. The thought of moving brought me to tears every time I thought about it. I went to my bishop to renew my temple recommend right before we moved and meeting with him was a huge blessing. He talked me threw my emotions and told me some personal stories that made me stronger and helped set my path. I will never forget his or the Stake President, they both said exactly what I needed to hear. So despite my last minute packing and final drive, we were in Arizona. Once we were here I set everything up in the house and developed a true hate for Arizona. Dan was really liking his job but I am miserable. So now I am angry over the fact that we had so many interviews and opportunities in great places, he gives us a job and sends us HERE????? My main theme her is anger if you can't tell. So much has happened since we have gotten here and I am really debating over how much I should write. During all of this my mother and step father and going through a very icky divorce. I am out here only a month when I get deemed the mediator for them to split up their items. This was a horrendous experience that I would soon rather forget but will always be a distinct memory for me. I have always feared my mother and I conquered that fear during those few days. It was really horrible, I did not come out on the other side feeling victorious but more like wanting to hide. It is still something I really do not want to talk about, it makes me want to vomit. So after this experience I set to making a life changing decision. I concluded that decision when my mother decided to get remarried soon after the divorce. I did not go to the wedding and have decided that there is no place for my mother in my life any longer. It was an extremely hard decision and one that I have to continually make. I went through a period of mourning but am mostly at peace now with my decision. During all of this we started the Foster Care process, had a teenage girl move in with us that just lost her mother to cancer and I have gone back to school. It has been such a rough road, one that I am so excited to have it just calm down for a bit. I am beaten down and just don't know how much more I can take. I am getting used to Arizona even though I really dislike it still. I think for my sanity living in the Mesa/Gilbert area will be better, it will feel a bit more like home and we will be around people that are more like we are. You don't know what you've got until it's gone, and now I can say that I miss Utah, but we are better off here, we are going to church more and our attitudes are better, I know that. The stress of finishing school, the drama between everyone, I think it is all giving me ulcers. I am so close to finishing and I will be so much better off when I do. I cannot wait! At least I know that school is a temporary trial!! Through all of this I can say that I have come out adoring and loving my husband so much more. I know that he is my soul mate and that I couldn't live without him. He is my rock and safety zone. When I am feeling out of control even just hearing his voice will calm me down. I am so lucky to have him. He is truly my foundation. I am already feeling a bit better just writing this all out, admitting to my feeling and letting them be ok for just a bit. I am getting stronger everyday and bettering myself everyday. I know I have a long way to go but I have the Lord behind me, he will help me understand and be stronger.

VACATION

I have a whole entire week off from school, I almost don't know what to do with myself. I have so much to do that it is ridiculous, but I really just want to hang out with my boys, I hate being away from them so much. I only have 45 days left of actual school days, I could not be more thrilled! I am so excited to have my license, I cannot wait to start working. I really love love love doing hair. It almost surprises me, I never pegged me as that girl, but I truly love it. I am getting clients that are starting to request me at school and building up a bit of a clientele, it is fun. I start Senior Thoery the second week in July which I am super nervous for, we take chapter tests daily, have 8 practicals we have to pass twice and five finals that are 100 questions each that we have to pass with an 84% or higher. There is a large number of student who end up just dropping out because they can't pass all them tests, aaahhhh.... I think I can, I think I can LOL. September 6th SHOULD be my graduation date. We are pretty much done with all the Foster Care stuff, Dan has one more class to make up and he has to finish his interview than we are done and just waiting on getting our license for that. I am starting to get excited about what we are going to get. I am having to start thinking about getting clothes and blankets, bedding and toys for a little girl. It makes me so giddy when I really start thinking about it.

Dan is still really liking his job. We feel very blessed to have it. They are paying us well and we are being able to keep up with all of our expenses and paying a nanny. We just got preapproved for a home loan and are very casually starting to look around at houses. We are still so new to Arizona that it is a little bit more daunting because we have no idea WHERE we want to live! The Gilbert/Mesa area have home that are a little bit more Utah style and make Dan and I feel a bit more at home so those areas are in the lead right now but nothing is decided yet. We are probably not going to even be really serious until next June when the boys are out of school. We have moved them so much that we really think it is important to let them finish out their school year in one place.

Shane is doing so so very well. He let me know the other day that he is all grown up now. He wants me to leave him home to babysit his brothers. I kind of chuckle because at his wise age of 7 he is hardly ready to babysit but he is super insistent that he can do it. He is going to be the greatest when he gets bigger, he is already such a help, I could not have done so much that I have done with out him. He is such a fantastic kid. Dan and I went out on a date night a few weeks ago, I went into his room to kiss him goodnight and he asked me all about our night, what we ate and all that. I left in tears, he is just getting so big! His grades at the end of first grade were fantastic, they don't think he is going to need speech therapy very much longer. He is making friends so easily and is just so happy most of the time. He is such a joy to me! We have struggled with him for such a long time and he is just turning into this amazing kid!!!

Brock is still my little artist, very imaginative but a stinker to LOL. He captures everyone's hearts no matter where we go. He is so full of personality. He is struggling with me being gone and is taking it out in a various array of different ways. He is getting super sassy with me and is pretty much just going to do what he wants to do and that is really the end of it. There are hardly any punishments that even mean anything to him anymore. He isn't horrible right now but I am so super nervous for our future. He is quite the independent soul. I love him for it though. He creates so many things all on his own. He made a Mega Mind cape out of computer paper and tape, he made an outfit (headband and all) out of things around the house to be a character named Janga off the Beyblade shows. He does it all on his own too, he doesn't ask for any help he just does it. We go through insane amounts of tape at our house. He is learning how to enjoy his little brother. It has been a rough road for him to share and be kind to him. His birthday is on Friday and I am just so sad that my little buddy is going to be 5 and starting Kindergarten this year. He is always very close to me, such a loving sweet boy.

Blake is a cute little button. His blond curly hair just makes my day. He is not talking almost at all, the Dr referred us to a speech therapist but I think I am going to hold off for a few more months, we are really working on it. The only thing he says that is understandable to anyone other than us is dada. I am not too nervous about it. He is a smart kid and knows exactly what is going on, what he wants and does not want and really gets his point across very well. I want to give him a few more months before I start forking out all the money for it (it is very expensive) I want to see how much progress I can make with him on my own. It is hard when I am in school though :( He is a big mama's boy and I secretly adore it. I know he is going to be my last baby and I am just soaking him in. He is a very loving boy. His favorite things are his blankie and Blues Clues. The kid hardly talks but he can do all the different dances to the different songs on that show. It is pretty crazy! He has been a pretty good boy as long as you don't want him to sit still or be quiet. He is still horrendous in church but we get to take him to nursery, which he loves so as long as I can make it through sacrament with him than we are good. There are some Sundays that I just can't handle him and we leave early. He really is a lot of work, I am physically and emotionally drained by the time we are done!

I have been so horrible about blogging, I am just so busy and exhausted. It will end soon!!!!

quicky

Life is too busy right and and I feel like I can barely take two seconds to breathe. The upside, I am kicking some serious beauty school (pardon my language here) A**. I have grown and developed my skills since I last left school and I am feeling great about it. I have 4 months left and cannot wait to be done. I hate leaving my kids, I get to see them for about 2-3 hours a night. I just don't really feel like a real mom. The upside is that my nanny Celeste is amazing and I just could not have asked for a better girl to come into my home and take care of my kids. I feel 100% confident that my kids are happy and getting everything that they need. She is just great! The change has been hard on everyone though. We are just starting to adjust. Brock is reverting back to thumb sucking :( We are starting to kind of adjust to Arizona. The weather is fantastic. Always warm and sunny. Dan is kicking butt at his job. He loves it they treat him great and he is making pretty decent money. He is really happy. So there is my quick update :)