My personal ramblings :)

I am going to make this fast, I know I have been really lacking in pictures but that is not for today. Sorry! I just wanted to write down my gratitude. The last 3 years we have lost everything and been stripped down to bare bones. The only possessions we had left to our names were used furniture. I truly felt that the Lord had betrayed me. I felt he left and was no where to be found. He let me fall face first with nothing there to catch me. Through this trail I did not smile and say I know the Lord loves me and this will all end eventually, I pretty much gave him the bird and said screw you. Now don't get me wrong here, I didn't go out and get tattoo's or start drinking or anything but my heart had a very dark cloud over it. We moved to Texas where I finally started to feel like maybe he was there and was listening to me. We loved it there, we loved our ward and actually wanted to go to church, I was really starting to make some friends and felt like I was where I belonged. My nephew got married and Dan and I decided to go talk to our bishop and tell him about our little "I hate you" adventure and the greatest blessing of all hit our lives. Our bishop and the Stake President changed my life forever. It is private but I knew without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord was speaking through these men to change my life. Than Dan got a job in Arizona. I pictured in my head for two years how I would feel when Dan finally got a job, I imagined celebrating and crying with joy. I was devastated. If many of you know me you know a bit about my family and especially my mother. My mother lives in Arizona and I have felt that that distance was protecting me from her. I had a safe zone so to speak and only had to really deal with her on a few occasions. I was really thrown into a depression. We moved here and we both hated it. The people are very different here, cold and distant. The rules are different, I won't go into that but I have been quite embarrassed. The up side that I tried to focus on was that Dan had the best paying job we have ever had and he was happy. I could fill in the rest by myself, right?!?! I was talking to my sil Mara who is truly just the best and she had said to me that she couldn't wait until I talk to her and said I was doing good and not just ok. It sounds really silly but that struck me to think about how I was projecting on to other people. So I decided to change me. There were some events that have helped this along and I have for now kind of severed ties with my mom and am trying to decide if she is going to be allowed to be a part of my life. I have thrown myself into running everyday, studying my scriptures every morning and saying true and sincere prayers. I have also really tried to get into some home projects (I painted my kitchen table black and it looks amazing!!!) Now we are at the whole point of my blog post today, in the last three weeks I have seen the hand of the Lord everywhere I look. It started with my drive home from Utah (yes I visited but I didn't go see anyone except family so don't be mad) I was driving through Cedar City in some of the worst snow I have ever seen, two cars were flipped over in the median, it was bad. I was starting to get a bit stressed out and I kid you not within a 5 minute period (I was driving by myself) and all three of my kids fell asleep. Ok if you have kids you know this NEVER happens! I got through it unscathed, it took about 1 hour and 20 mins to get through it all and than once it all started to clear up be be safe again on the roads they all woke up about the same time. I was amazed and truly felt the hand of the Lord. The next thing; I put an ad out to find someone who wanted to trade babysitting for free rent and stuff. I got a huge response of people who wanted to be paid but I just couldn't afford it so it wasn't an option. About a week after we got back a girl named Celeste replied and she is so wonderful and going to move in next weekend. Now I can finish the few months I have left of cosmetology school and know that my babies are going to be okay. So this young girl ties into another blessing. We are really looking into Foster parenting for our next 1-2 kids. We want a child under 2 or 3 and preferably a girl ;) Well Celeste's mom wanted to meet us both so on Saturday they came over and it turns out she used to be a case worker and is a foster parent herself. We spent almost the whole time talking about is and she gave us so much information. It was truly invaluable because if nothing else it just confirmed to both of us without a doubt this is the road we are meant to take. The last thing as of today...we have not like our ward in the least bit, it is a huge struggle every week to actually make the decision to go. We went yesterday and for one Blake was actually manageable during sacrament meeting and we decided to take him into nursery he is only a month out of being in there so we took him in, HE LOVED IT and was so good! Dan said when he picked him up he didn't want to leave LOL! I also for the first time since being in there had about 3 women who came up and talked to me and were so sweet. When running this morning I even ran past one of the girls and we stopped and talked for a second. I am just feeling overwhelmed with gratitude to the Lord for still loving me and giving me another shot. I am usually such a happy optimistic person but the last three years has just beaten me down. I feel like that Lord is truly next to me right now trying to help me stand back up. I am so grateful for the Lord and for my religion. I know I have come out of this a better person overall. I have learned some great lessons and at the ripe old age of 28, I feel like I have aged a bit.