the adjustment

I need an outlet and I try to keep my blog a bit superficial but here goes all my emotions running out so hold on! Dan and I have traded roles, he is at home with the kids and working (I think we are actually starting to make some money!!!) and I am in school full time. This is the base of my three week melt down! It hasn't even been a full three weeks yet, but the roller coaster started before, once the reality of me going back full time was official. I cry every night I rock Blake to sleep. I miss him so intensely that I don't even know how to begin to describe it. I hate every second I am away from my boys, I really feel lost without them. I don't know who I am anymore without them. I am mom, I have been mom for 6 and a half years and I am now in a setting where I feel so awkward and out of place that I am desperately trying to be myself but I just don't know who that is anymore. My life is homework and playing transformers and poop schedules. I can feel people getting annoyed with me because I think I try and mother them. I know it is not my place but I find myself doing it than when it is too late I catch what I did and it is too late to take it back. I want to just bury a hole in the ground and do my work by myself sometimes. The positive side is that I am honestly loving everything that I am doing. I finally feel like I have found my knack. I feel like I am doing really well and I almost like when I have messed up because an instructor will come over and show me what I did wrong and I start getting a whole understanding of hair and coloring and nails ect. I feel like the Lord has me here for a reason and I know without a doubt I am doing what is right, I am just struggling with the adjustment so much. Dan thinks I am pushing myself too hard but it is so important to me that I give everything I have at school so my time away from my little men is worth it. Dan has blown me away with what an amazing job he is doing. I am so truly grateful for him and the peace of mind it gives me knowing that he is with them. He tries so hard to have the house up to my standards, do the kids hair the way I want it to be done, work, play with Blake and give him tummy time ect.; I love him so much for trying so hard! He does a fantastic job. I love that after almost 8 years I still get excited to come home to see him and talk to him. What a blessing a good marriage is! Mr. Blake just woke up crying so I am going to go be mommy and hold my precious little man. Thanks for letting me vent! I try not to unload on Dan because he already has so much on his shoulders and I don't want him to feel guilty that I am struggling so much. We will adjust. It is only for 8 months, not for the rest of my life, I just have to remember that. I might have to give up my running. I think it is doing me in, especially with Blake still waking up a bunch at night! I hope not though, running has made me feel stronger as a person because it was a goal I didn't think I could achieve and I have. Good Night, I will post something a bit more cheerful next time!!!