Transitions and changes

I have been in a reflective mood lately. I am really having to start dealing with all the emotions of the last3 and a half years. I am writing this post mainly for me, no one else but for me. I had a client the other day that pointed something out to me that really struck me. I told her how close I was to my in-laws, especially my MIL and she looked me in the eye and said, "you know that that is a gift don't you?"I wasn't about to get all teary eyed about it in front of her but I have thought about it constantly. They both gave me a gift that not only helped replace a hole inside me but also gave me a confidence that I don't even know how to explain but most of all gave me a path, a path of how a family is supposed to be, how you raise children in a way that isn't mean or degrading. My in-laws weren't perfect but to me they were everything. I miss them both so much, especially Liz. I needed a mother, I needed a mother who would just love me unconditionally and that woman had an amazing talent for just loving anybody that way, but her lover for me made me whole again. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Dan was the man I was supposed to marry and I know that not only did I get an amazing husband out of it but I also got his family. I definitely made out better in that deal hehehe. Ever since she passed away things have been turned upside down, inside out and everything is backwards. We have had one disappointment after another, our faith and marriage shaken. After everything I feel older, exhausted and broken. I am trying to figure out where to even start putting the pieces back together and I don't even know where to start. I had a friend on facebook whose husband had lost his job and found one after a few months and where I did not want her to suffer and I was happy her husband got that job, I was angry, very very angry. Dan went to so many interviews and had so many opportunities presented to him and nothing became of it. I had people say things to me like, "well maybe you haven't learned your lesson yet" like we had done something so horrible to deserve what we went through. That we just weren't good enough or sinned too much. So these people are the ones who get the blessing and we are left to flounder. One of the hardest things for me to swallow was how strongly I felt that we were making the right choices, we prayed, we fasted, we did all those things that we were told to do. I know that the Lord knows my struggles, We have talked about this subject twice in Sunday school lately and I have been given a book that is really helping me understand. The bottom line is that I am angry over it all. I am trying to deal with those feeling and just get them out because I do see the blessing and the tender mercies that the Lord gave to us, but I am still angry. Than we finally got a job, but here's the catch, it is in Arizona. I don't know how to explain this history to all who don't know but to keep it super fast, my mother lives in Arizona. I was thrown into a depression that I have never felt before. The thought of moving brought me to tears every time I thought about it. I went to my bishop to renew my temple recommend right before we moved and meeting with him was a huge blessing. He talked me threw my emotions and told me some personal stories that made me stronger and helped set my path. I will never forget his or the Stake President, they both said exactly what I needed to hear. So despite my last minute packing and final drive, we were in Arizona. Once we were here I set everything up in the house and developed a true hate for Arizona. Dan was really liking his job but I am miserable. So now I am angry over the fact that we had so many interviews and opportunities in great places, he gives us a job and sends us HERE????? My main theme her is anger if you can't tell. So much has happened since we have gotten here and I am really debating over how much I should write. During all of this my mother and step father and going through a very icky divorce. I am out here only a month when I get deemed the mediator for them to split up their items. This was a horrendous experience that I would soon rather forget but will always be a distinct memory for me. I have always feared my mother and I conquered that fear during those few days. It was really horrible, I did not come out on the other side feeling victorious but more like wanting to hide. It is still something I really do not want to talk about, it makes me want to vomit. So after this experience I set to making a life changing decision. I concluded that decision when my mother decided to get remarried soon after the divorce. I did not go to the wedding and have decided that there is no place for my mother in my life any longer. It was an extremely hard decision and one that I have to continually make. I went through a period of mourning but am mostly at peace now with my decision. During all of this we started the Foster Care process, had a teenage girl move in with us that just lost her mother to cancer and I have gone back to school. It has been such a rough road, one that I am so excited to have it just calm down for a bit. I am beaten down and just don't know how much more I can take. I am getting used to Arizona even though I really dislike it still. I think for my sanity living in the Mesa/Gilbert area will be better, it will feel a bit more like home and we will be around people that are more like we are. You don't know what you've got until it's gone, and now I can say that I miss Utah, but we are better off here, we are going to church more and our attitudes are better, I know that. The stress of finishing school, the drama between everyone, I think it is all giving me ulcers. I am so close to finishing and I will be so much better off when I do. I cannot wait! At least I know that school is a temporary trial!! Through all of this I can say that I have come out adoring and loving my husband so much more. I know that he is my soul mate and that I couldn't live without him. He is my rock and safety zone. When I am feeling out of control even just hearing his voice will calm me down. I am so lucky to have him. He is truly my foundation. I am already feeling a bit better just writing this all out, admitting to my feeling and letting them be ok for just a bit. I am getting stronger everyday and bettering myself everyday. I know I have a long way to go but I have the Lord behind me, he will help me understand and be stronger.